December 18, 2010
Confirm Again
| A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.” That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” “Darling, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!” The problem may not be with the other person as we always think, could be very much within us! |
October 18, 2010
Very Funny Definations
School : A place where Papa pays and Son plays
Life Insurance : A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich
Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills
Marriage : It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on
Father : A banker provided by nature
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills
Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
September 27, 2010
Joke : Logical Mind : Software Professionals
A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.
Dear, please go to the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread and if they have eggs buy 6.
‘OK honey’ said the husband went to the grocery.
Twenty minutes later the husband returns with 6 loaves of bread.
His wife is surprised.
Dear, why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
They had eggs!
June 3, 2010
Doctor Jokes 2
Doctor:What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
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Doctor (to the patient): Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?
Patient: Yes, sir. But I did not drink it.
Doctor: Why?
Patient : (Pointing to the bottle) : Because it is written on the label:
Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.
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Dentist (to the patient): For God’s sake, stop making those noises and
waving your arms. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet.
Patient : Yes, I know. But u’re standing on my foot.
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Doctors son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.
Doctor father: Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.
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Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?
Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this articular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?
Doctor: The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is.
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Doctor: Mr. Kishan, you look exhausted.
Kishan: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.
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Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.
Patient: It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry.
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Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
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Mohan : (to the doctor) : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
Mohan : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
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The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “Another doctor”.
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A patient: Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal.
Doctor: Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit.
(After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
Doctor: Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up.
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Patient: Doctor, I can’t sleep.
Doctor: Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off.
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Patient: I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn’t you come to me earlier?
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Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see your son.
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Patient: Doctor, I feel there are two of me.
Doctor : Very well, I shall see you, one at a time.
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Romi : (to the doctor): Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor: Tell her to come in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor: Why so?
Romi: Because she does not stop at this floor.
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A fat lady: (To a health expert). Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
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Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): What is wrong with you?
Patient: I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine.
Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): Here, Take this.
Patient: Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right.
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Doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home.
April 1, 2010
Monkey and Hat-Seller (An Old Story)
It’s an old story that we read in Class 3 but with a new ending.
A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same.
Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same.
An idea came to his mind.
He took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that the monkeys on the tree took all his hats.
He remembered his grandfather’ s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.
Now, very convinced of his grandfather’ s idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and Guess!!! Said what???
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“You think only you have a grandfather !!!???”
March 16, 2010
Doctor Jokes
Patient to doctor: On the top of your prescription these words are
printed:We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?
Doctor: Pay me. I will send it.
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Patient: Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness.
Doctor: You can pay by cash, cheque or money order.
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Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.
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Doctor to patient: Why are you nervous?
Patient: Because this is the first time I am going to have An operation.
Doctor: But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation.
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Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.
Doctor: Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.
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Patient: I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night.
Doctor: Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone.
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Woman patient : Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die.
Doctor : You did the right thing to call me.
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A patient to his friend: I am taking rest cure.
Friend: What do you do?
Patient : I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor.
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Doctor to woman patient: Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him.
Patient: But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee.
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Doctor: You have trouble with your throat? Have you ever gargled with salt water?
Patient: Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming.
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Doctor to woman: What is the matter about your husband?
Woman: He is worrying about money.
Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.
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Patient to friend: I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory.
Friend: What did he do?
Patient: He made me pay him in advance.
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Doctor: Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age.
Husband: Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?
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Patient: Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?
Doctor: How old are you now?
Patient: 40
Doctor: Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?
Patient: No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice.
Doctor: Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?
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Patient: Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine.
The doctor was very much pleased.
He asked : Did it really help you?
Patient: It helped me wonderfully.
Doctor: How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?
Patient: I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir.
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Patient: Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don’t mind.
Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
Doctor: You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc.
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Doctor to Patient: Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live.
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A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many
large volumes on his shelves. Finally, he asked the patient : Have you had this trouble before?
He answered: Yes.
Doctor said: You have again got it.
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A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor said: It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age.
Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?
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Doctor: You have cataract in your eyes. But you need not worry It is hereditary.
Patient: Death is also hereditary. Does it mean we should not worry about it?
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December 6, 2009
Heart Touching Story !!!
One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train.
Train is about to leave the station.
All passengers are settling down their seat.
As train started young man was filled with lot of joy and
curiosity.
He was sitting on the window side.
He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He
shouted, “Papa see all trees are going behind”.
Old man smile and admired son feelings.
Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all
the conversion between father and son.
They were little awkward with the attitude of 25
years old man behaving like a small child.
Suddenly young man again shouted, “Papa see the pond
and animals. Clouds are moving with train”.
Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly.
Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the
young man’s hand.
He filled with joy and he closed the eyes.
He shouted again,” Papa it’s raining, water is
touching me, see papa”.
Couple couldn’t help themselves and ask the old man.
“Why don’t you visit the Doctor and get treatment for your son.”
Old man said,
” Yes, We are coming from the hospital as Today
only my son got his eye sight for first time in his life”.
Moral: “Don’t draw conclusions until you know all the facts”.
Itsourteamwork : More 'WE' Less 'I' 