December 18, 2010
Confirm Again
| A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.” That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” “Darling, for the FIFTH time I’ve said, CHICKEN!” The problem may not be with the other person as we always think, could be very much within us! |
December 12, 2010
Give me your e-mail
A jobless man applied for the position of “office boy” at Some Company.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
“You are employed.”
He said.” Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.”
The man replied “But I don’t have a computer, neither an email.”
I’m sorry”, said the HR manager, “If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, “I don’t have an email”.
The broker answered curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!”
The man thought for a while and replied, “Yes, I’d be an office boy at Some Company!”
October 18, 2010
Very Funny Definations
School : A place where Papa pays and Son plays
Life Insurance : A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich
Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills
Marriage : It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on
Father : A banker provided by nature
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills
Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
June 3, 2010
Doctor Jokes 2
Doctor:What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
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Doctor (to the patient): Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?
Patient: Yes, sir. But I did not drink it.
Doctor: Why?
Patient : (Pointing to the bottle) : Because it is written on the label:
Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.
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Dentist (to the patient): For God’s sake, stop making those noises and
waving your arms. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet.
Patient : Yes, I know. But u’re standing on my foot.
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Doctors son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.
Doctor father: Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.
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Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?
Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this articular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?
Doctor: The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is.
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Doctor: Mr. Kishan, you look exhausted.
Kishan: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.
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Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.
Patient: It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry.
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Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.
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Mohan : (to the doctor) : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
Mohan : How did you come to that conclusion?
Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
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The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “Another doctor”.
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A patient: Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal.
Doctor: Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit.
(After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
Doctor: Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up.
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Patient: Doctor, I can’t sleep.
Doctor: Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off.
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Patient: I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn’t you come to me earlier?
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Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see your son.
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Patient: Doctor, I feel there are two of me.
Doctor : Very well, I shall see you, one at a time.
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Romi : (to the doctor): Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor: Tell her to come in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor: Why so?
Romi: Because she does not stop at this floor.
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A fat lady: (To a health expert). Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time.
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
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Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): What is wrong with you?
Patient: I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine.
Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): Here, Take this.
Patient: Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right.
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Doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home.
May 5, 2010
God Meets Bureaucracy
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth.
Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, “Let there be light.” Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time.
God agreed and said he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed.” The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before…
At this point God created Hell.
April 1, 2010
Monkey and Hat-Seller (An Old Story)
It’s an old story that we read in Class 3 but with a new ending.
A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same.
Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same.
An idea came to his mind.
He took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.
He woke up and realized that the monkeys on the tree took all his hats.
He remembered his grandfather’ s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.
Now, very convinced of his grandfather’ s idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and Guess!!! Said what???
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“You think only you have a grandfather !!!???”
Itsourteamwork : More 'WE' Less 'I' 